I have found the best way to end an argument.
Its not......"your mum"
Basically I was having an argument with some customers at work and I thought of what to say to shut them up. Didn't have the courage to say it to them, but if I did it would have shut them up forever.
Its really simple I wish I had thought of it earlier.
Customer: Why don't you do this........blah blah blah. I think that if you did X, Y and Z then A,B and C would be better and that would make everyone happier and everyone would appreciate the hard work that you are putting in here. This would result in you getting married and having a loving family and never wanting to put a golden bullet into your head. Which would make the world turn much more happily, cease poverty and in time make the world a peacefull and Bushless place.
Craig: Cause...................I 'ate you. *walks away*
yes folks its that easy. Just tell the person that is argueing with you that you " 'ate" them and walk away.
This may lead to a further argument put at least you have stopped the one you were having.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Double Whammy!
Took Jecca for her first double bill today.
Over The Hedge.
Very funny and well done. Very cartoony but such a cracking cast that it couldn't possibly go wrong.
Bruce Willis, who is a great actor. Jumping from Roles like John MacClane and Hartigan to Korben Dallas easily.
Stever Carrel, you should know about him. He is brilliantly funny. Having him as a hyper-active squirrel was great. You can just picture him in the recording booth, makes me think of Al Gore in the Futurama episode........you know the one.
William Shatner, as an over actor........BRILLIANT!
Also has.........(hang on to you're seats) The Strobe. Mind blowingly good cast.
Its very funny normal kind of kids plot which won't make you think that much, but good fun had by all.
A strong 8/10
Next in line was Cars
Cars was........ok. This film is being marketed to kids as being brilliant and that they have to see it and love it and then get all of the toys to go with it.
Oddly enough I felt the same about Finding Nemo. The film wasn't that good, but everyone was raving about it.
The animation on the cars was very cartoony but, all the backdrops were mind blowingly good. There is one bit when you have two cars racing, one has a reflective sticker on, the light is reflecting onto the car next to it.............I mean really well. Its the subtle things like that, that are putting Pixar on the map.
Avoiding the marketing and just looking at the film as it is, gives you the normal morals that you'd expect from a Disney influenced film. But it is enjoyable none the less.
7/10
So comedy wins over all for me.
Jecca prefered Cars but agreed that Over The Hedge was funnier. And it only took three hours of screaming at her, she's learning.
Over The Hedge.
Very funny and well done. Very cartoony but such a cracking cast that it couldn't possibly go wrong.
Bruce Willis, who is a great actor. Jumping from Roles like John MacClane and Hartigan to Korben Dallas easily.
Stever Carrel, you should know about him. He is brilliantly funny. Having him as a hyper-active squirrel was great. You can just picture him in the recording booth, makes me think of Al Gore in the Futurama episode........you know the one.
William Shatner, as an over actor........BRILLIANT!
Also has.........(hang on to you're seats) The Strobe. Mind blowingly good cast.
Its very funny normal kind of kids plot which won't make you think that much, but good fun had by all.
A strong 8/10
Next in line was Cars
Cars was........ok. This film is being marketed to kids as being brilliant and that they have to see it and love it and then get all of the toys to go with it.
Oddly enough I felt the same about Finding Nemo. The film wasn't that good, but everyone was raving about it.
The animation on the cars was very cartoony but, all the backdrops were mind blowingly good. There is one bit when you have two cars racing, one has a reflective sticker on, the light is reflecting onto the car next to it.............I mean really well. Its the subtle things like that, that are putting Pixar on the map.
Avoiding the marketing and just looking at the film as it is, gives you the normal morals that you'd expect from a Disney influenced film. But it is enjoyable none the less.
7/10
So comedy wins over all for me.
Jecca prefered Cars but agreed that Over The Hedge was funnier. And it only took three hours of screaming at her, she's learning.
Friday, July 28, 2006
The Fizzle of Diet Cizzle is Rizzle
Read about it ages ago. Finally got round to doing it.
And I can report back and declare without a shadow of doubt that........
Emptying a Pack of Mentos into a 2 litre bottle of Diet Coca-cola cause a fizz fountain about 6ft high.
Main problem is that it only lasts about 2 seconds.
I have looked through youtube and found this is the way to make it last longer.
Well thats another trip to Tesco and even more dodgy looks coming my way as I walk out with 4 bottles of Diet Coke.
Oh well, I find it funny and thats all that matters.
And I can report back and declare without a shadow of doubt that........
Emptying a Pack of Mentos into a 2 litre bottle of Diet Coca-cola cause a fizz fountain about 6ft high.
Main problem is that it only lasts about 2 seconds.
I have looked through youtube and found this is the way to make it last longer.
Well thats another trip to Tesco and even more dodgy looks coming my way as I walk out with 4 bottles of Diet Coke.
Oh well, I find it funny and thats all that matters.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Whats on the box?
Pubs have TV's. And for some really odd reason you can't help watch whats happening on there.
Luckily for me tonight, there was the wrestling. Not something I'm really into.
So I read The Metro. Had been reading it for a while and glancing up at the TV everynow and then, for no reason at all. Read the article about the Art work that was inflatable and killed people. Then looked up a little while later and the adverts were on.
The new McDonalds advert has a giant inflatable McDonalds that everyone gets on and has a great time getting fast food. Even ends with the great line "I'm Lovin' It".
Hope you catch it before its taken off. Much like the artwork.........ooohhhhhhhhhh!
But then not long after this the wrestling started again..............and it was the greatest thing I have ever seen in my life.
Words can't describe how good it was so I will hand it over to the official site
"Speaking of Divas, SmackDown’s finest females met in a tag match that pit Ashley and Jillian against Kristal and Michelle McCool. In what might be a preview of the Fourway Bra and Panties Match at the Bash, Jillian tore off Kristal’s top off from behind, allowing Ashley to roll up Kristal for the pin."
So, the idea of the game. Get four fit skimpily clad women to wrestle. Sounds good.....but lets knock it up a notch. Hey I know, they have to undress each other to win. BAM!
Yes the loser was the person left in their undies. I have never wanted four people to lose so badly in my whole life.
So the blondes won in the end. And then stripped of to their thongs and what not anyway. For no other reason then they knew thats what we all wanted to see.
God Bless you pub TV.
May you have more from the FSCWW. (Fit Scampily Clad Women Wrestlers)
I'm hoping someone adds this to yuotube within the next couple of days. I can't wait to see it again!
and again
and again.......
Luckily for me tonight, there was the wrestling. Not something I'm really into.
So I read The Metro. Had been reading it for a while and glancing up at the TV everynow and then, for no reason at all. Read the article about the Art work that was inflatable and killed people. Then looked up a little while later and the adverts were on.
The new McDonalds advert has a giant inflatable McDonalds that everyone gets on and has a great time getting fast food. Even ends with the great line "I'm Lovin' It".
Hope you catch it before its taken off. Much like the artwork.........ooohhhhhhhhhh!
But then not long after this the wrestling started again..............and it was the greatest thing I have ever seen in my life.
Words can't describe how good it was so I will hand it over to the official site
"Speaking of Divas, SmackDown’s finest females met in a tag match that pit Ashley and Jillian against Kristal and Michelle McCool. In what might be a preview of the Fourway Bra and Panties Match at the Bash, Jillian tore off Kristal’s top off from behind, allowing Ashley to roll up Kristal for the pin."
So, the idea of the game. Get four fit skimpily clad women to wrestle. Sounds good.....but lets knock it up a notch. Hey I know, they have to undress each other to win. BAM!
Yes the loser was the person left in their undies. I have never wanted four people to lose so badly in my whole life.
So the blondes won in the end. And then stripped of to their thongs and what not anyway. For no other reason then they knew thats what we all wanted to see.
God Bless you pub TV.
May you have more from the FSCWW. (Fit Scampily Clad Women Wrestlers)
I'm hoping someone adds this to yuotube within the next couple of days. I can't wait to see it again!
and again
and again.......
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
A new low for the public
I don't really like the general public. I am happy to admit this.
I finished work and was at the local public house with friends and my manager called me and asked if I was alright. There had been an accident where I catch my bus and she was concerned about me. Thats nice of her.
I went and caught my bus from one stop before where I normally get mine.
The driver had a un-canny resemblance to Maradonna.
The bus I got went about 30ft and then came to a halt. At the traffic lights were two police cars blocking the way. People were standing up and trying to see what was happening.
We waited a good 5 mins and then, enough is enough and I went up to the driver and told him what my manager had told me.
"Look mate, there has been a road accident up there, a bus has gone into a car and the ambulance and fire brigade are cutting people out of the car. Is there any way you can go around?"
My friend on the bus was shouting "Use the hand of God and work a way around!"
So he turns back to me......"Really?"
What? No I am making this up. I see two police cars and this is what my mind came up with.
His course of action? Well isn't it obvious he sent ME out to ask the police how long it would take.
I walked out and found the first po-po/bobby I could and told him that I have a retarded bus driver that wants to know what to do. The policeman told me what I had already told the driver, "You're gonna have to take a detour and sort it out that way"
I went back and told him this so he.......got me to tell everyone else on the bus.
I did my duty and told everyone the route we were taking, anyone wanting a closer stop had to get off. My friend did.
This left me with the most abnoxious and ignorant woman ever.
As we came to the traffic lights, instead of going left we went right, she stood up and looked out the window and stared at the accident. It was horrible. I felt really bad for all those involved. she says
"There's some kind of accident"
"Yeah I know I just said that to everyone on the bus."
"Yeah looks pretty bad"
At this point I just put my headphones in, while she was looking at me, and pressed play. However, she kept talking to me.
After about 10 mins of her talking at me while I had my headphones in I gave up and took one earphone out. I would like to point out that I had been drinking so spoke my mind.
"Well this has worked out ok for me"
"You what?"
"This route means I don't have to walk any"
"Well......as long as this worked out for someone its all good I guess"
"I know its a wierd thing to say"
"Not wierd.......thats a horrible thing to say"
"Well maybe it is horri....."
"No actually its the worst thing I have ever heard anyone say, people are getting cut out of cars, but thats ok cause you don't have to walk home"
"I was just saying......"
"Don't, don't ever just say again. Thats horrible."
As she got of the bus she shouted something at me, but I had my pod in so gave her the finger.
On my way home my friend that got off the bus rang me and told me he saw one of the injured walking along turning to everyone and saying.
"Sssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm ok Sssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
Will nothing stop this man!
I finished work and was at the local public house with friends and my manager called me and asked if I was alright. There had been an accident where I catch my bus and she was concerned about me. Thats nice of her.
I went and caught my bus from one stop before where I normally get mine.
The driver had a un-canny resemblance to Maradonna.
The bus I got went about 30ft and then came to a halt. At the traffic lights were two police cars blocking the way. People were standing up and trying to see what was happening.
We waited a good 5 mins and then, enough is enough and I went up to the driver and told him what my manager had told me.
"Look mate, there has been a road accident up there, a bus has gone into a car and the ambulance and fire brigade are cutting people out of the car. Is there any way you can go around?"
My friend on the bus was shouting "Use the hand of God and work a way around!"
So he turns back to me......"Really?"
What? No I am making this up. I see two police cars and this is what my mind came up with.
His course of action? Well isn't it obvious he sent ME out to ask the police how long it would take.
I walked out and found the first po-po/bobby I could and told him that I have a retarded bus driver that wants to know what to do. The policeman told me what I had already told the driver, "You're gonna have to take a detour and sort it out that way"
I went back and told him this so he.......got me to tell everyone else on the bus.
I did my duty and told everyone the route we were taking, anyone wanting a closer stop had to get off. My friend did.
This left me with the most abnoxious and ignorant woman ever.
As we came to the traffic lights, instead of going left we went right, she stood up and looked out the window and stared at the accident. It was horrible. I felt really bad for all those involved. she says
"There's some kind of accident"
"Yeah I know I just said that to everyone on the bus."
"Yeah looks pretty bad"
At this point I just put my headphones in, while she was looking at me, and pressed play. However, she kept talking to me.
After about 10 mins of her talking at me while I had my headphones in I gave up and took one earphone out. I would like to point out that I had been drinking so spoke my mind.
"Well this has worked out ok for me"
"You what?"
"This route means I don't have to walk any"
"Well......as long as this worked out for someone its all good I guess"
"I know its a wierd thing to say"
"Not wierd.......thats a horrible thing to say"
"Well maybe it is horri....."
"No actually its the worst thing I have ever heard anyone say, people are getting cut out of cars, but thats ok cause you don't have to walk home"
"I was just saying......"
"Don't, don't ever just say again. Thats horrible."
As she got of the bus she shouted something at me, but I had my pod in so gave her the finger.
On my way home my friend that got off the bus rang me and told me he saw one of the injured walking along turning to everyone and saying.
"Sssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm ok Sssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
Will nothing stop this man!
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Wait a min thats just not right at all/Daddy cool
Two posts for the price of one.
Life is full of mis-matches. You will see this when you are walking down the street. The very pretty girl walking hand in hand with the complete idiot. The guy that screams at her for no reason and starts shouting and swearing as he limps along in his tracksuit each foul word that escapes his mouth gives you more insight into his mouth where you can see his jagged black teeth, his mouth looks like some kind of rusty bear trap.
But its not just on the street where you can see these odd couples.
This ultra-hot woman is dating and IS thinking about eloping with this idiot.
How and why?
Hang on there is more, this stunning curvy lovely is going out with this idiot! Christ he is using a tie as a belt! Yaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!
Something is definately wrong with the world.
But this ties in quite nicley with my next bit.
Gave a girl at work my number. Took her while but she started texting me. All good me thinks.
Now, the last time I saw her at work (she's a customer by the way) she couldn't walk in a straight line and was laughing all the time.
Me, I know exactly what makes me do that. Alcohol.
So, we're texting and everything is cool........until I send one that reads something like
"Was it my imagination or were you a bit tipsy the other night?"
The reply made me feel like the bastard I am.
"Tipsy? No. I had an accident that day. I have been down the hospital all day today. Can hardly walk"
I apologised, but alas no word back. No shock there I guess. Maybe....just maybe this is where the idiots are winning. Cause they know the difference between a girl that had an accident and someone that is drunk. Their perceptive minds are obviously far greater than mine.
But still.......Billy Zane and Jim Carrey deserve each other not the women they are with.
Makes me sick.
Life is full of mis-matches. You will see this when you are walking down the street. The very pretty girl walking hand in hand with the complete idiot. The guy that screams at her for no reason and starts shouting and swearing as he limps along in his tracksuit each foul word that escapes his mouth gives you more insight into his mouth where you can see his jagged black teeth, his mouth looks like some kind of rusty bear trap.
But its not just on the street where you can see these odd couples.
This ultra-hot woman is dating and IS thinking about eloping with this idiot.
How and why?
Hang on there is more, this stunning curvy lovely is going out with this idiot! Christ he is using a tie as a belt! Yaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!
Something is definately wrong with the world.
But this ties in quite nicley with my next bit.
Gave a girl at work my number. Took her while but she started texting me. All good me thinks.
Now, the last time I saw her at work (she's a customer by the way) she couldn't walk in a straight line and was laughing all the time.
Me, I know exactly what makes me do that. Alcohol.
So, we're texting and everything is cool........until I send one that reads something like
"Was it my imagination or were you a bit tipsy the other night?"
The reply made me feel like the bastard I am.
"Tipsy? No. I had an accident that day. I have been down the hospital all day today. Can hardly walk"
I apologised, but alas no word back. No shock there I guess. Maybe....just maybe this is where the idiots are winning. Cause they know the difference between a girl that had an accident and someone that is drunk. Their perceptive minds are obviously far greater than mine.
But still.......Billy Zane and Jim Carrey deserve each other not the women they are with.
Makes me sick.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Hang on......you're right!
Jecca stayed over last night. We went to my room to watch Corpse bride (she has great taste). She wanted to watch it in my room cause I have a big tv.
We both fell asleep watching it.
Somehow, during the night ended up sleeping horizontal across the bed. I was woken up during the night by her kicking me in the head.
She eventually woke up properly at 6:30. I was woken up straight away by her asking me....
"Can you put some Futurama on?"
Hell yeah I can. Good girl.
We watched some episodes, then she got this puzzled look on her face.
"Whats up?"
"Bender was just in the shower, but he's a robot so how can he do that?"
I understand why she would be confused by this but wanted to see if she got it all.
"why is that a problem?"
"cause he's a robot so, wouldn't he die?"
I was stuck in one of those situations that you can't talk your way out of because the other person will know when you are lying, but if you work hard you might be able to get out of it without going into to much detail.
"Well, that is in the future so maybe they have come up with a way to make robots so that they can go under water."
She accepted this and we carried on watching and enjoying the shows.
Later on I showed her the Dr Who game, brought to you by the great Randomlinkage. She loved it.
Now we are playing the game, and we get to the door bit. The first one we look at it, I click on what I think is the right answer.
"No, its not that one! its this one"
Crap it, she was right and I was to proud of her to be mad.
But then she didn't get the next one, so that balanced that out
HA! Take that, not so quick at doing maths then are ya!
On both these occasions I would turn to her and say
"Well done, good thinking there"
She would just wink and tap her head give a little grin that just screams at me to start learning things, cause very soon she IS going to be smarter than me...........and you.
And when she's running the country you're buggered. I'm ok cause I can straighten her hair and do make up and stuff like that.
I feel sorry for you, but have fun reading all those text books!
Muahahahahahahahaha
We both fell asleep watching it.
Somehow, during the night ended up sleeping horizontal across the bed. I was woken up during the night by her kicking me in the head.
She eventually woke up properly at 6:30. I was woken up straight away by her asking me....
"Can you put some Futurama on?"
Hell yeah I can. Good girl.
We watched some episodes, then she got this puzzled look on her face.
"Whats up?"
"Bender was just in the shower, but he's a robot so how can he do that?"
I understand why she would be confused by this but wanted to see if she got it all.
"why is that a problem?"
"cause he's a robot so, wouldn't he die?"
I was stuck in one of those situations that you can't talk your way out of because the other person will know when you are lying, but if you work hard you might be able to get out of it without going into to much detail.
"Well, that is in the future so maybe they have come up with a way to make robots so that they can go under water."
She accepted this and we carried on watching and enjoying the shows.
Later on I showed her the Dr Who game, brought to you by the great Randomlinkage. She loved it.
Now we are playing the game, and we get to the door bit. The first one we look at it, I click on what I think is the right answer.
"No, its not that one! its this one"
Crap it, she was right and I was to proud of her to be mad.
But then she didn't get the next one, so that balanced that out
HA! Take that, not so quick at doing maths then are ya!
On both these occasions I would turn to her and say
"Well done, good thinking there"
She would just wink and tap her head give a little grin that just screams at me to start learning things, cause very soon she IS going to be smarter than me...........and you.
And when she's running the country you're buggered. I'm ok cause I can straighten her hair and do make up and stuff like that.
I feel sorry for you, but have fun reading all those text books!
Muahahahahahahahaha
Friday, July 07, 2006
I was *rolls dice* nicely hungover!
I went out last night (Wednesday night). I partook in the alcohol, or what ever the kids are calling it these days.
Now the only issue with this is that I have no idea what happened. I woke up on the sofa fully dressed and lying on a letter asking me to go to jury duty.
Having read these books growing up here is the Fighting Fantasy version of what happened.
Now the only issue with this is that I have no idea what happened. I woke up on the sofa fully dressed and lying on a letter asking me to go to jury duty.
Having read these books growing up here is the Fighting Fantasy version of what happened.
Option one.
Had a couple of drinks, literally only a couple, and had a jolly good evening. Was pleasent to everyone that I came into contact with. Got in to a nice and pleasant conversation with a pretty girl, who I had a lot in common with and we enjoyed each others company. Walked around very stable with my friend and we made new friends at every turn. Got on to the dance floor and had a very jovial time, not knowing the songs meant that I had to take the mickey and fun was had by all. Left the club and got something to eat. Then got a taxi home, which I was happy with the service and paid in full straight away not wanting to upset the driver. Had a very interesting conversation and got to learn about the driver as a person. Got home nice and easily, walked in found the letter asking for jury duty and passed out from the shock.
Option Two.
Had a couple of drinks to start with. But when I got the the club found out that shots and bottle beer was £1, so walked around the club clutching 3-4 bottles at a time, giving nasty glances to anyone that came near me (they may or may not have been after my beer). Tried to get into a conversation with a girl (I hope it was a girl) but after 30 seconds of me slurring all my words apart from "Breasts" and "Me likey" she walks away leaving me talking to a fire extinguisher. The girl/fire extinguisher wasn't the conversationist I was after so staggered from floor to floor occasionally falling over and laughing at myself for it. Went to the bar for more drinks, not that i needed it. Shouted at random people at every available turn. Got on to the dancefloor and made it apparant to all and sundry that I was some kind of drunk epileptic spaccer. Left the club before I was kicked out and fell into a kebab shop. Hurled abuse at the people serving and demanded "MEAT". Ate my food like some kind of drunk epileptic spaccer that hasn't seen food for about a year. Hailed down a taxi by shouting. One came up with flashing lights. After a good long look at them finally worked out "Hang on..........whoah whoah........slow down. You're coppers". The police, rightfully so, forced me into a taxi and sent me on my way. After trying to explain where I am going to the driver I get bored and go to sleep. Some how he gets me home and I make it into my house without dying. I find the letter, can't read it to save my life so decide to have a nap before going upstairs to bed.
No idea which one is the truth, if you want to hazard a guess or even add you're own version then please comment. If you saw me and actually know what state I was in then please do NOT comment.
have a feeling it was very bad.
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