You Have Made The Naughty List

So, I got The Amazing Sarah a good gift for Xmas.

I got it on E-bay.

It turned up a week after the seller said it would.

It wasn't what it is meant to be.

So much so, that it's a pirate copy.


Can't go into detail to much as I am trying to get a refund for it so that I can get the proper version. Just imagine my little face dropping and then turning into complete anger as I read the back

This product is copyrighted and is tro home use only

The seller is still trying to convince me that despite the bad spelling and wrong manufacturer on the case that it is just a "Non UK edition".

Wow "Non UK" never heard of that before. Yet, I can't find this exact box anywhere else.

In the words of every pimp in the world

GIVE ME MA DAMND MONEY FOO'

So I set about trying to find the new item for her lovliness' Xmas. I went to Amazon and found this.......for me. I was bought the first box set of X-files, and where I loved it, it wasn't everything I hoped for. You see, there are digi-pack versions of the cases that have 7 discs per series and lots of extras including commentares. Then they released new cases, the small video type with no commentaries. The latter are the ones in the first boxset.

However, this new boxset has all of the commentaries AND the film.

So, I have one box set. The first two series in digi-pack form.

This means I only have to buy, the new boxset, the film (as there is a good special edition out for it) and 7 series in digi-pack form. I can only get them on e-bay which puts me in a bit of a quandry, but I will sort that out soon enough.


Some people call me obsessive and stupid.

These people just don't understand, and I pity them.

The Man Is Golden

Prepare yourself for arguably the funniest video ever made by anyone.......ever.

The Landlord

Sir? Please Stop Drooling

I, like most of my good friends, am a massive fan of Futurama.

I have a couple of the toys. I have watched and re-watched all of the episodes and commentaries hundreds of times. I have listened to the commentaries that often that the other day while watching an episode on TV the other day I turned to The Amazing Sarah and quoted from the commentary. Because I'm a giant loser that's why! I even have a Futurama tattoo.

There were rumours at the beginning of the year that there was going to be a massive Futurama film. "Simpsons movie AND Futurama movie, truly the greatest year ever".

So, Mr David X Cohen are we getting a Futurama movie?

Mr Cohen "Nope, even better"

That ladies and gentlemen is the first of FOUR feature lenth episodes. Each will be released as it's own DVD. The rest will be folowing throughout 2008.

Kind of annoyingly this has once again put off my purchase of the lovely complete box set, as my series one and two have been watched that often that they are scrathced to buggery and don't work.

Click here to learn more about the new episodes of Futurama

Hopefully this means a new giant even lovelier box set wil come out.

Well that's Xmas 2008 for me sorted out then.

Over there.....past them trees

With the festive period approaching I know that you all want to shower me with as many gifts as you can afford, by selling all of your internal organs.

I understand this.


It's because you love me.

Over on the right of this page you should see a link for Craig and his DVDisms. That link will lead you to all the dvd's I own (well some are missing because I have lent them out and can't remember the region) as well as a wishlist for me.

This has a lot of the DVD's that I need to become whole.

If you would like to cmpile a list like this yourself that would be helpful for me, because then I can work out excuses for why I didn't get you anything, and I can use the right gift that yu asked for.


It's the thought that counts.

Ramblings

I have always been quite vocal about the odd people that I work with.

Some of them are odd, some are bizarre, some scare the crap out of me. The list is endless.

The other night I was offered a window into the mind of a crazy. I was handed a note that someone had started writing and yet had left behind. Perhaps on purpose. I'm not sure but the scrawlings n this little piece of paper scare me more than any nightmare I could ever have.

I have re-written the note for you below. Word for word. All spelling mistakes and grammar errors are theirs, as well as the madness.

In the beging their was life and in that life their was a gun and in that gun their was war and in that war their was Darth.

Holy Crap!


I mean wow.

First off it's there not their. I mean that's the basic one right there.

Also Christians, Hindus, Catholics....Hell everyone. You all got it wrong. First was life. Nothing else. Just life. Not sure what kind of life exactly, maybe spores, maybe indigenous. I don't know I'm not the expert here.

After life we had a gun apparently. But wait a second that gun.....it's inside life. So did everyone have guns sticking out of their chests? Because that would explain the next point about there being a war.

Think about it, everywhere you walk people would instantly ask "Are you pointing that thing at me?" and not in the way they ask Mr Trench that question these days.

But again we are faced with the issue that the war is inside the gun. No bullets, this is a war gun. It fires war at innocent people and gets them fighting good and proper.

Lastly we have Darth in the war. Now I always saw Darth Vader (I presume) as a kind of General that likes to stand at the back of everything and only really gets involved when some pip-squeak tries his luck and ends up getting his hand cut off.

He's not exactly a King Theoden (from the book not the film).


Anywho, there you have it folks, the ramblings of a real life looney. Lucky for me it was written in feces on the toilet wall, or even written in dead flies on the back of a post it. Just a simple little note, possibly a call for help.


Shame really cause now I'm too scared to go near the weirdo to help him out.





Bloody Goth Poetry.

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Caleb Followill has crazy eyes.


I am mostly listening to: Pearl Jam, Eddie Vedder (Solo album out called Into The Wild, get it now!) and Kings Of Leon.


You have been informed.

This Month I've Mostly Been Reading....

Graphic novels/comics.


I am pretty ignorant of the comic world. I have some knowledge but it's not much. I can tell you that anything written by Alan Moore or Warren Ellis is going to be awesome. But that ends my knowledge.

So I turned to Col. Orange and asked him to help me out and make some recommendations of comics and things that I should read. He didn't do this. Instead he lent me 13 comic books to read. He lent me the first book only. The start of the story so I wasn't completely confused.

And I have reviewed them all for you.

Some spoilers.

Also if anything here is wrong, please feel free to let me know. I may have got a few things wrong as I am still learning.

Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Life By Bryan Lee O'Malley

This is a book sized comic and is very funny. It's about Scott Pilgrim and his life......which is kinda precious and little. It's manga sorta style of pictures.

All about Scott Dreaming of a girl and then meeting her. He then tries his best to woo her, only to have to fight her ex-boyfriend. It's very funny and very much worth your time.

7/10

Supreme Power by Michael Straczynski, Gary Frank, Jon Sibal

Basically this is a different spin on some of the more famous of super heroes. We have different versions of Superman, Flash, Batman and The Green Lantern. This Superman has been brought up in quarantine and loves his Country, he is willing to do anything he is asked to do. He has been brought up watching the news and believing every word. Our new Flash is from a small town and wants to make some money to help out his mum. This Batman is a racist vigilante willing to go to any lengths to avenge his parents murder and this Green Lantern is a war vet that was testing out a new Government weapon but it all goes horribly wrong.

This is an awesome book and well worth getting into. Seriously. Just go and buy it. I have only read the first book but I am definately getting the rest. The writing the drawings, the use of the panels, everything was brilliant.


No joke

10/10


JLA Tower Of Babel By Mark Waid, Dan Curtis Johnson, Howard Porter, Drew Geraci


I'm really not into proper super heroes, and they kinda annoy me. Because every book is like and episode of Charmed.

1st Act: Something bad has happened, A, A new baddie has arrived or B, We have had our powers removed.

2nd Act: Working out how to resolve this.

3rd Act: Actually completing the above.

Same old same old. This story is about the baddies finding Batmans secret files on the rest of the JLA. In a preivous story the JLA had their bodies taken over, and after this Batman worked out ways to stop them all. He hid these files but not well enough. So it's all up to Batman to save everyone and then get them to help him after they find out how the Bad guys found out their weakness.

Not my cup of tea, but I can understand why other people like it.

5/10


The Courtyard By Alan Moore, Jacen Burrows, Anthony Johnson

The quote on the back of this book, "Alan Moore is among the very best writers of the last 20 years. Anthony Johnston is one of the best of the new generation of writers. Jacen Burrows is probably the best new artist of the last year. On the basis of the amassed talent alone, The Courtyard is explosive." Warren Ellis.

It's about an FBI agent on a stake out. There have been three very odd murders, all seeming to lead to one bar.

I really can't say more than that without giving the whole damned game away as it's not very long.


It's pant wettingly good though. One stand alone book.

It's also very trippy.

9/10


The Sandman Preludes & Nocurnes By Neil Gaimen, Sam Kieth, Mike Dringenberg, Malcolm Jones iii

Neil Gaimen writes a lot of books. He always seems to write about figures in literature that we all know for example Death, Bogeyman and The Sandman, but he gives them a personallity. By doing this he has allowed himself to break the original boundries that you had already made for that character. If you think about Death the being you have a picture of the black cloak and all that. But he makes Death a teen girl that's kinda sarcastic and dry, but still pretty cool. Now we have a character that can deal with situations in their own way as well as being Death.

The Sandman is a brillaint book that had me gripped from the beginning to the very end. I had to put it down every now and then to prolong the whole experience of reading it.

10/10


The Punisher Welcome Back Frank By Garth Ennis Steve Dillon, Jimmy Palmiotti

Senseless violence. Very funny. What more can I say. The Punisher goes around killing bad guys. It's great.


Honestly I can't say anything more.


9/10



DMZ On The Ground By Brian Wood, Riccardo Burcielli

America is in a Civil war and the divide of the country runs through Manhatten. A news team go into this no mans and while a cease fire is going on, only to get gunned down. Everyone dies apart from the Intern. So he is now in a war zone and able to write and produce stories from this area and let people know the truth about what is happening as he slowly discovers everything he has been told is a massive lie.

It's very good and very dirty and gritty with the illustrations, I really liked it.


8/10



100 Bullets First Shot Last Call By Brian Azzarello, Eduardo Risso

Quote from the back "Death, power, sex, money, secrets and bullets: these are the only things wroth talking about. That is why I buy 100 bullets." Warren Ellis.

It's about people that have served in prison or had their life ruined becuase they have been accused of a crime they have NOT committed. They are then released and approched by Agent Graves who gives them the truth and evidence to prove they were innocent and shows them the real guilty party. They are also given an untraceable gun and 100 bullets. They are above the law and can get away with anything they want. Hint hint, go and kill the person that stitched you up.

Very well written. Very comic-y drawings. I liked it.

8/10



Preacher Gone To Texas By Garth Ennis, Steve Dillon

This was great. Just a real treat, the sort of thing you can switch off and read. Just plain good old fun. I don't want to go into to greater detail as it will give the game away and I hate spoilers, but you should give this a shot.

Kevin Smith likes it, and so do I.

8/10


Adventures In The Rifle Brigade By Garth Ennis, Carlos Ezquerra.

Imagine all the war stories and comics of the olden times if they were really funny and this is what you have.

Proper laugh out loud moments all the way through. It's set during WW2 and follows the Rifle Brigade who are the only people able to carry out the mission.

It has me wanting to shout "Yer Aht Of Ordah" at everyone I pass.

Very British so I'm not sure how it works for overseas.

9/10



The Walking Dead By Robert Kirkman, Tony Moore

A cop is shot and wakes up God only knows how much long later in a coma. Only to find Zombies are everywhere. This sounds kinda familiar. Isn't this a movie? No it's not the original 28 Days Later. This has more story abut the people that have managed to survive and indeed continue to survive this horrible event. Lots of story and lots about the people and the situation rather than being all about shooting zombies.

Which is fine by me

7/10



Lucifer Devil In The Gateway By Mike Carey, Scott Hampton, Chris Weston, James Hodgkins, Warren Pleece, Dean Ormston

Much like Sandman, Lucifer has been given a personality and is pretty darn sarcastic, no shock there. Lucifer has quit Hell and runs a bar. Some years down the line he is given a job by God and is given the oppurtunity to name his price for the job.

Some of the stills in this book are beyond incredible, so much detail and an array of colours. Brilliant.

The writing helps bring alive all of the characters which as you can imagine are Demons, Angels and the like. Very good indeed.


8/10


Thunderbolts How To Lose or "Don't do this at home, Dog!" By John Arcudi

This follows the story of Daniel Axum. An ex supervillian that was defeated by Spiderman. He went to prison and is now out on parole where he is trying to sort his life out. With a crappy job he can hardly pay for the rent let alone the chld support to allow him to see his son. This is until he is brought int the world of underground fighting. Here we have mob bosses betting and competing against supervillians against each other in a way to make money.....lots of money.

Nicely written and well drawn. I read this the quickest.

7/10



I have also finished Chucks latest book Rant. Wich was good but did confuse the be-jesus out of me for a while. That's my excuse for taking so long to read it, and I'm sticking to it.


I am open for any more reccomendations.

If you want some suggestions then I'd call on Col. Orange or Trench.

So very full.........

Yesterday was The Amazing Sarahs birthady and given the choice of anywhere to have lunch she chose Frankie and Benny's.

I have never been to this magical place but decided that it was going to be like the damned Hell Hole that is Hard Rock Cafe.

I once ventured into a Hard Rock Cafe in Amsterdam, it was a dive and very expensive. I wasn't impressed and I paid for a beer bucket only to be given bottled Lager and Lime which is a three word way of saying "I don't like the look of you and I have just urinated in your beer, you will taste it....well at least you will taste the ammonia".

Anyhoo......we went along and it's set out as an Italian/Amercian diner. You can see the chefs with their little hats working away and spitting in your food, which if they are going to do it I would like to know for a fact if they have or haven't then I can make my own mind up about eating it, which if I am paying for a meal means I am more than likey to eat it irrelevant. It's a realy nice place and I have been told that if you ask nicely they will come over and sing Happy Birthday to anyone.

I have to point out as well, that the meal I had was one of the best I have ever eaten. I had the Meatball Calzone. It was a meat pizza, correction a loaded meat pizza that's folded in half and baked. It's awesome.

I am a massive fan of food. I will eat anything, apart from things I am allergic to. But all food stuffs are good. I can't stand people that go on diets and deprive themselves of great food, why would you do this to yourself? I mean why would you acitvly choose to stop eating things that make you feel good? I can completely understand if it's a health thing......kinda. I mean stop eating fatty things if you have had a heart attack. But to be fair, you could just, oh I don't know, excercise some more and get away with eating whatever you want. Because to be fair if you excercise enough you can eat whatever you want.


I do plenty of running around at work, I don't think I am healthy in anyway, but it does burn off enough of the crap that I eat so that I can eat the crap and make myself happy.


Good food makes you feel good, it's that simple.


Don't belive me?


Well here is the proof.



Look how happy that burger has made him.


Look into those joyfilled eyes.


Seriously the more you zoom in on his eyes the funnier the picture is.



Do have to say sorry to him I guess, tell you what mate, come round, I'll make you a bad ass Thai Curry, with some warm Chocolate Fudge cake with cream afterwards.


See your smiling already.

Happy Halloween

It's rolled round again, the second time of year that people can dress up as anything they want and get away with it. The first being Mardi Gras.

I'm not a massive fan of Halloween, sure it's fun to dress up and scare the be-jesus out of old folks, but it's just to easy.

The best thing to do really is get a load of people round lots of sugar based snacks and watch some seriously scary films.

idontlikeithere reccommends:-

Ringu
Dark Water
Leprechaun
Hostel
Maniac Cop

Leprechaun and Maniac Cop not scary, but lots of fun, and isn't that the whole idea?


So, have a good evening folks and spare a thought of me dressed up at work as a Zombie.


Also, have some youtubeination

What A Pro

I'm glad to see that there are still some people out there, that no matter what, they will get the job done.


I tell ya, if the crap on Channel 5 was one tenth that entertaining I would watch it. There is no way they can guarantee that thought.


Unless it's a programme about stapling and glueing things to Matthew Wrights smug dumb shit face.


What? Dislike him? Nah, he is very good at changing his opinion in a heartbeat to wind up whoever he is talking to, without ever expressing his own opinion.


I respect that.



*cough*

Working Hard

I'm so bloody tired, it's going to kill me.


I've been doing crap loads at work recently. I had a review which means I got a lot of work to do to get promoted. I like money and power and women. You get all of those things if you get promoted, so stay in school kids and that'll make getting promoted nice and easy.

I have spent the morning writing a report for work. It's over 4,000 words long and has graphs and all sorts. I feel like such a grown up having done it.

But like all work, it was pretty boring stuff. So I needed a break everynow and then.

Well, I'll tell you exactly what gave me the drive.

Here are my muses for this morning.

1, Trenchblog

I could spend all day reading everything on this site from now until I die and beynd and I would never get bored.

2, Randomlinkage

Again a brilliant site, that is run like a poetic comedy cruise ship with a destination of Randomness.

3, Kelly's Blog

Yes another blog. It's Kelly and she's aces. Good writing and art galore are sure to follow.


That's what I have been looking at.


I have been listening to Pearl Jam and Kings Of Leon.

KOL are very good, and I recommend that you all give the 2nd album Aha Shake Heartbreak a go as its truely golden.

That's all for now, I'm going to climb under a rock and hide away from it all for a little while.

Tell Me All

If you are like me, then you sometimes sit back and try and work out where sayings originate from.

"It's raining cats and dogs" for example makes very little sense and upon hearing it you have to question who said that first, why, and how the hell did it catch on.


Well I am hopefully going to help you out with at least one of these silly sayings.

Spill The Beans

Back in Med-evil times messengers were given a tin to guard with their very lives. It was sealed tight, and could only be opened by the little fidgity key that was hidden somewhere on the messenger. Most likely in their shoe which was smelly from all the running that they did, so no-one ever wanted to go in to their smelly potato sacks that were their shoes and get the damned key.

Inside the tin were hundreds and sometimes thousands of little beans. Normally a Vicia bean. On each of these beans was written a single word. The messenger would get to his destination would walk up to the King, the Pope or occasionally the Court Jester if he was carrying a joke, and he would reach deep in to his potato sack shoe, unlock the tin and pour out the beans. It would be up to the receiver of the message to arrange it to make sense.

Sometimes this didn't quite work out and mistakes would happen, that's why there was The Battle Of Hastings, The Persian Invasion Of Greece, and The French.


As you can possibly imagine, the messages were sometimes so brain meltingly important that you would come across a Highway-man desperate to find out what secrets you held within your tin. Of course not wanting to go near your filthy feet, and possibly catching the Bad Aids in the process, he would order you to open the tin of wordy beans and spread them for all to see and try and work out the code. That is an awfully long sentence and not all that threatening so they would just scream in a shrill voice

SPILL THE BEANS

So there you go. I hope you have learned something today.


And remember when some asks you to spill the beans they are threatening you, and you are legally allowed to defend yourself by rubbing your feet on them.






The more you know.

That's That Then

Well that's Xmas sorted for everyone then.

Feeling Blue

Last week I had a meeting with some HR guy. It was called my "Insights" meeting. This is where I find out what sort of manager I am. It's a little New Agey and Mood-ring-y for my liking but very interesting never the less.


There are four colours

Red = Firey, basically will kill you in a heartbeat for the sheer fun of it. AKA a real bastard.

Yellow = Fun and very light hearted, just wants to enjoy themselves and makes sure that others are enjoying themselves.

Green = A motivator, just like Mr Motivator. Has an idea and creates a lot and tries to get lots of others involved and wants everyone to work together in sweet harmony.

Blue = Is very number based, likes working on computers and dealing with excel and the like. Doesn't give 2 hoots about you or your feelings.


It doesn't take much to work out that I am a blue. I was given a report that is 40 pages long all about me and what I am like. It explains to the reader how to communicate with me and what not to do when communicating with me. It also out lines how to motivate me and basically everything you could ever want to know about me with regards to work.


The best bit is how to and not to communicate with me. Below are what they say....and the exlplination


When communicating with Craigy:

Use humour...in moderation.

Have a joke, but not at my expense for fear of my wrath

Give him all the facts

Help me to help you

Respect his position.

Respect my authorit-ah

Respect his need to be alone for extended periods.

You make me so angry that if I see you again, I'm going to go to prison.

Stay a reasonable distance away - don't invade his space.

This is a hug free zone. DON'T EVER TOUCH ME.


When communicating with Craigy DO NOT

Jump to the next subject until he is ready

Woah, woah, woah. Who did what with the when now?

Waffle

English mother f*&%er do you speak it?

Argue or personalise the conversation.

I'm right, and I don't care about you.

Spend to much time talking, he is much more impressed with your actions.

Dance monkey, DANCE!

Reinforce his own self criticism.

Yes, I'm delicate.....you know like emtionally and shit


Again some of it is true and some of it is complete nonsense, but it's interesting either way.

The Iron Giant

Comic book films can sometimes.....well most times be a bit crap really. Don't get me wrong I love going to see them, but it's when they have been done wrong it can really piss you off.


I might just be a complete loser but I am very much so looking forward to Iron Man.






I'm not an Iron Man fan, but Robert Downey Jr is his usual funny self and John Favreau is directing so it's gotta be good.


Right?

Making The Mundane........Neat

I'm still trying to get used to this whole not living at home thingy.

The main thing that still confuses me the most is going food shopping. Things that I expect to be really expensive aren't and things I think would be cheap, well you guessed it, they are way to bloody expensive.

I remember a long time ago having a very wasted conversation with Col. and Trench. Well I say I remember it, I can actually only remember one line from it.

Trench: I can't move out, I don't even know how much eggs are.

Classic Trench.


But as I walk around Asda and the like I am lost as a child when I look at the price of things.


Also I am the worst person to go shopping with, as the second I step foot into any shop I instantly forget why I am there and end up buying crap.


Today I remembered that I was going in to the shop to get dinner for the next couple of days. I needed to get some potatoes. The Amazing Sarah and I started off buying small potatoes until we found out that we used half the damned bag each time we cooked. So we started getting bigger and bigger bags of potatoes. We mainly started getting these because they were on offer for about 99p.

I went shopping un-supervised and stood looking at all the different types of potatoes, the differing sizes of bags, all the colours and the odd thing that is a "Sweet" potato.

Then I spotted the bag that I would have to have.

5Kg of potatoes.

The price?


₤1.76.


Mental.



I know it's really sad, but I got pretty excited at the prospect of having so many potatoes for such a small price.


Even if the damned bag did break the zip on my back-pack.





Still have no damned idea about the price of eggs mind you.

Lets Get Xtreme

(Quick note folks, comments are now sorted. Sorry bout that.)


People get bored very easily. I'm sure you have already zoned out and are looking at that shiny thing out of the window already, but that's not going to stop me.

Have you all noticed how things get knocked up a notch *BAM* and then they become more appealing?

You have?


Well then I'd like to talk to you about the Bible. Dull boring Bible, so long and boring that they make it the only reading material in hotels in the hope that you will start reading it on the crapper.


Will it's time for the Bible to have an XX(L)treme make over.


The Manga Bible


Aren't kids that read these books going to be a little disappointed when they discover that David killed Goliath with a stone and not a fire ball?


But I guess the core of Manga is there, guy with massive powers roams the place kicking ass and doing impossible shit.

I'm personally waiting for the movie version.


*deep voice*

"This Summer, He has come from above."
*flash of a guy in the desert*
"He is the light for the world"
*Flash of water turning into wine*
"He will heal you."
*Small segment of a guy running*
"He" *someones feet in sandals*
"is" *moves up their legs*
"Gonna" *Camera cntinues to move up, going across a buff stomach*
"kick" *flash of manly chest*
"your" *flash of massive arms*
"ass" *We finally see that Manga Jesus is played by Henry Rollins.

I would pay to see that film.


Especially if Manga Jesus Henry Rollins had fire ball powers.

Well That Put A Smile On My Face

Today is payday, I had to go into the banks and what not to pay all the bills and generally watch my money vanish before me.

I thought to myself I will get a CD.

I am a big fan of Scrubs, and was looking through the soundtrack listing on the site, when I found out that "Ted's" band have a CD out. It's a cappella, and generally good fun stuff.

Their site recommends CD Baby. So I thought I'll give them a try. I'm glad I did.

The price is what you would expect for a CD from a shop, but the e-mail they sent me to tell me my CD had been posted was awesome.

Your CD has been gently taken from our CD Baby shelves with
sterilized contamination-free gloves and placed onto a satin pillow.

A team of 50 employees inspected your CD and polished it to make sure
it was in the best possible condition before mailing.

Our packing specialist from Japan lit a candle and a hush fell over
the crowd as he put your CD into the finest gold-lined box that money
can buy.

We all had a wonderful celebration afterwards and the whole party
marched down the street to the post office where the entire town of
Portland waved "Bon Voyage!" to your package, on its way to you, in
our private CD Baby jet on this day, Tuesday, August 28th.

I hope you had a wonderful time shopping at CD Baby. We sure did. Your picture is on our wall as "Customer of the Year." We're all
exhausted but can't wait for you to come back to CDBABY.COM!!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Sigh...

--
Derek Sivers, president, CD Baby
the little store with the best new independent music
http://cdbaby.com cdbaby@cdbaby.com (503)595-3000

I sent a reply telling them that I really like the e-mail, and also pointed out that I was looking forward to getting my golden CD case. But......

Hi Craig,

We're totally sending it in a gold box. Although I have heard that the post office is onto us and a lot of our dear customers don't receive the box. Those punks!

Have a great day!
:)
Celia

CD Baby - Celia http://cdbaby.com/ 5925 NE 80 Ave Portland OR 97218-2891 orders@cdbaby.com (503)595-3000

Brilliant. I'm easily impressed, and this little touch (of having someone with a sense of humour writing the e-mails, and then having someone reply to me) is great and really made me smile an idiot for hours.


So I fully endorse this service and or product

Come On In

It's taken me a little while, but I have sorted out a kind of video of the flap.


The Amazing Sarah and I talked about having a house warming party, but we decided against it as we don't really know that many people. It would basically consist of my friends coming round and us playing Metal Slug on the X-Box, and then of course all of Sarah's friends asking her why the hell she is with me.



They should just thank their lucky stars that I would actually be bothered enough to get dressed when they turned up. My house my rules.


Here is the video (of sorts), set to Ben Folds singing Golden Slumbers.



Enjoy

Must......not....kill........self!

I was woken up today by the noisy neighbours playing Karma Police by Radiohead very loudly.


I am not a happy bunny right now.



I don't like these neighbours.

Michael Bay, how I hate thee let me count the ways

Lets get this straight.

Everything Michael Bay touches turns to crap. The man just can't do anything right.

Transformers is a big dumb film. If that's what you want then run and see it. If, however, you were wanting something a bit more and something good, then maybe hold off for the DVD release......unless you have a blu-ray player.

Now I'm not sure what sane person has a blu-ray player. The only people that I can imagine have them, are the idiots that have gone and bought a PS3, of which I hope no-one did.

The only person that I know that wants a PS3 is my brother, and well he's just not right in the head.

The Times has reported that Michael Bay posted on his website whining and bitching about Paramount, and in one amazing sentence everything seemed good in the world. It seem's that he was having dinner with friends and they were complaining that Transformers wasn't going to get a Blu-ray release, it's only coming out on DVD and HD-DVD. This made the Bay get angry, and when Bay gets angry he gets drunk, and when he gets drunk......well he throws his toys out of his pram and whinges to the world.

"Paramount pisses me off, I want to people to see my movies in the best formats possible. For them to deny people who have Blu-ray sucks!"

Well Bay, you want people to see your movies. Well we disagree there but lets continue. Lets take a trip to amazon.com (product placement in hope of free shit) I searched for HD-DVD player. The first one I got was this one. That's just the $238 then. How about a Blu-ray player then? $483, are you crazy? Now I am sure that if you hunt around that you will find players for cheaper than that, but these are the expensive ones that are at the top of the list on amazon.com (what a great site, *wink*) Who in their right mind is going to pay that bloody much for a player to watch a Michael Bay film? I hope no-one.

Mr Bay also went on to say....

"No Transformers 2 for me!"

Don't fuck with me Bay. That's not funny. Transformers 2 is a pointless film really, but in the right hands, it could maybe be good.


But alas, the very next day he wrote a retraction......and went on to say how HD-DVD is really good and that people should maybe get those players, because they are cheaper and very good quality.


I will be buying HD-DVD stuff eventually. It's a good price and its good stuff. I will most likely never own another Sony item in my life, I hope.


Well maybe a PS2, cause Tekken is bad ass.

I Come From De Udder Side.....

Hello peoples!


I have returned and am here once again to help keep you entertained and feeling better about yourselves. Its a dirty job but someone has to do it.


I now have the Internet here at my new home. I can't get the frickin wireless connection to start but I can live with it wired in for a little while I guess.

So much has changed since I was "properly" online. I have moved home, I have been on holiday and I have stabbed myself.

The move was aces, with the help of Col. O, Trench, Dave and his other half we moved without an issue. Everything is set up and looking very cool indeed. Expect pictures and video soon.

Holiday was also very good, Minehead is a shit hole, but that's not important. You know an area is pretty crappy when the main attraction is the local Tesco. Not even a good Tesco. Jecka had an absolute blast on holiday. We laughed and hung out and basically chilled out. The week gave more evidence to the fact that Jecka is the coolest person alive.

Whilst watching Die Another Day, Jecka had her very first Missty moment.

James Bond and Bad Guy are about to fence and they are discussing the wager, in this case a very precious diamond.

Bad guy: Well it looks like you are going to loose something very valuable to you....
Jecka: Your dignity.

The girl is quality.

She also has an amazing ability to finish sentences in films. At 7 she already has a very good idea of where a story is going and where we are in each scene.

What? Oh yes I did say I stabbed myself. Really? You want to hear about that.....ok then.


We had a self catering room, which meant that they supply you with knives and forks and the like and you have to get your own food and cook it and prod it etc. The only food preparation knife we had was a blunt bread knife that made making potatoes very difficult. So I suggested going to Tesco and buying a vegetable knife.

We got one, the blade is about 2 inches long. Knife's as you may or may not know, come in little plastic boxes, the blade incased inside it and the handle sticking out. When we got back to the room I rushed to get the knife out and realised that we didn't have any damnded scissors to get the knife from its plastic cage.

"Maybe if I twist the knife and cut through the box?" I thought. It seemed to make perfect sense.

Please note that the following happened in split seconds.

I pushed the handle hard to get the knife to pierce the box and cut it free, without me realising the knife slashed through the box like a hot knife through butter. The knife didn't stop there and before I saw where the sharp blade had gone I heard a THUD at my sternum, I look down and the blade is at my chest with MY FUCKING HAND PUSHING IT. I, for want of a better and more accurate word, freak out and throw the knife away and leap across the room shouting and swearing. I take my t-shirt off (easy ladies) and check my chest for blood. It takes a little while but then the blood starts to come......out of the most pathetic hole in my sternum that anyone ever saw.

My hands were shaking for ages afterwards, but I have to admit that I found it all very funny.



On a slightly different note, before I went on holiday I had a phone call at work from some guy asking me to buy his cleaning supplies. I told him he could go crazy and send a catalouge, just because I wanted to let him feel like he got somewhere.

Bloke on the phone: You going out this weekend?
Craigy: Nope, I'm going on holiday soon, so have to save the pennies.
Bloke: What do you drink?
Craigy:.....beer......
Bloke: Drink any spirits at all?
Craigy: Err.....yeah, bourbon, whiskey stuff like that.
Bloke: So Glenfiddich and the like?
Craigy: Sure
Bloke: I'll see if I can get some for you then.

I thought he was messing with me......until I went to work today and there was a package for me. Yep, you guessed it, a bottle of Glenfiddich. Just for telling some guy that I might buy his cleaning products, which we never will cause the company has its suppliers and isn't likely to change......but still free whiskey!



To sum up my 3-4 week hiatus, I will give you the lessons that I have learned.

1, Minehead is small and crappy.

2, People that wear red coats in Minehead are way to fucking happy.

3, Everyone that doesn't work at Butlins Minehead is Welsh.

4, Everyone that doesn't work at Butlins Minehead is a chav.

5, Only exceptions are The Amazing Sarah, Jecka and me.

6, I don't like: - annoying people, chav's, people that are way to fucking happy and the Welsh.

7, You can stab yourself in the sternum and live.

8, You can spill coffee on your new carpet as long as the carpet is a dirty cream colour and get away with it.

9, You can spend more than 4 hours trying to organise your DVD collection and still not find a place for I-Spy.

10, You can drive for 5 hours and spend the whole week very happy and content and when yo are at your most relaxed some idiot customer from back home will feel the need to come over and talk to you.


All in all folks, I will be here more often from now on, so fear not.


Catch you all soon, You stay classy.

Hello, From The Abyss

Howdy folks.

Good news, I'm still technically and most importantly legally alive.


I have seen some brilliant stuff this week. A motorbike chase between Mods and superbikes, a random mum stop and shout at a driver, some mentals at the local Asda get VERY excited and angry about getting a trolley and many more wonderous things.

I am currently sat in the public library on the piggin internet of which I have very little time left.


We now have Sky at the flap and should be getting the internet in about 10 days.


I have gone without the inter-tweb for just over a week and have the shakes almost constantly, I think I can get by with the the WAP on my phone. Its like the methadone of the interweb.


But tomorrow I am going to Butlins and there should be another Weber-net place where I can sit for hours and catch up on all the stuff thats important......Like randomlinkage.com.


All for now.



Transmission ends.

I'm going out now......

Hello good people,

In but a few hours I will be loading all of my worldly possesions into the back of a van and moving home.

I say worldly possesions, I actually threw everything I own out so that I can make space for all of my DVD's. I have no less than 5 boxes that I would defend with my life (4 for dvd's and one for my lovely Sony DVD ((product placement should get me a kick ass TV......right?)))

The only issue with the new home is that the internet is not yet sorted so that means that I will not be around for an indefinte amount of time. I know I know that makes you sad. But keep your chin up, it'll all be good in the end, I shall return with stories of the new home...........complete with......




Stories of the bidet kind.


Yes my new Flap (it's how Jecka says flat) has a bidet. I haven't used it yet. But i will. The oddest thing about the said item is that it has a plug. I mean who in God's name wants to have THAT kind of water floating around?


I know what type of person, and I am quite frankly not that person.




I shall be back as soon as I can folks.


Until my return enjoy as many movies as you can, thanks to the 5secondmovies on youtube.



I have so many favourites is hard to choose.

Impressive Youtube-ation

I love simple music video's.


I have many favourites.


But here are but a few for you good people.


Daft Punk

Ok Go "Get over It"

Ok Go "Here It Goes Again"



And only because I found it again


Will Ferrell AND Jack Black presenting an award at the oscars.

The Problems With Abbreviations

Went to the local supermakt the other night after work. The Amazing Sarah and I often go after work as the shop is open 24hours and we can slowly walk around and take our time with everything.

I started looking at the kitchen stuff. Sarah has a toaster, but we often have crumpets and other toasted items in the morning that are hard to reach, so I started thinking that we needed some tongs.

I spotted a hanging rack for utensils and thought it would be good for all things cookery. I picked p some tongs, a spoon, a spoon with holes, a potato peeler, a spaghetti measurer and a few other things.

Thats the main issue I have with shopping, I go for one thing and then I realise "Holy crap how have I lived wihout this useless thing?"

We eventually finish our shopping and head to the checkouts. We like the scan yourself checkout things as they are much easier and you don't make a fool of yourself whle talking to the checkout person.

The ones at this particular shop will speak to you and tell you the price of the item scanned, it will also display an abbreviation of the item.

For example:

Bottle Opener becomes Bottle Openr
A Cadbury's Twirl becomes Cad Twirl

and a Spaghetti Measure becomes.................a Spag Measure.



I am so glad that the shop was next to deserted as I just about wet myself laughing at that one.



My guilt only lessened when one of the workers that operates the main computer for all of this machinery came over and asked, "Are you laughing at the same thing as me? The Spag Measure?"

Yes I was.

Its Ok I'm Right Here

Hello devoted reader, I love you. I just needed you to know that.


I have not been around much I know, please let me finish, I have been busy. Well that's a lie, I've been at work a lot. I have also been trying to make my DVD collection even more impressive. And that's a challenge in its self.

I have recently bought:-

A Few Good Men 

Just for ol' Jack

Casablanca

Cause its awesome.

The Big Lebowski

Cause Trench Says its awesome.

L.A Confidential

Cause Col. Says its awesome.

Jackass boxset

It has commentaries (which are pretty poor, but have some good moments).

Cube Boxset

For those Hyper Cube days.

The Birds

I have never seen it and its meant to be aces.

Police Squad Complete Series

Its POLICE SQUAD!

Bill Bailey Boxset

Cause he's really funny.

Snakes On A Plane

Dumb, good fun.

Wall Street

"I loved you in Wall Street" no other reason.

Goodfellas 2 Disc

Because ever since I was a kid I wanted to be a gangsta......

The Bourne Identity

Its meant to be good.

Other than that I have been busy organising all of my things. Because you see reader, I have met someone. Someone with whom I might actually be able to take over the world and melt peoples frontal lobes with my superior mind.

She is of course The Amazing Sarah.


I shall be moving HQ at the end of the month. The Amazing Sarah and I were able to kick Batman out of his cave, because after all he isn't a "real" super hero. *wink*


So we have been buying things we need to live. So T.A.S bought a phone, and I bought a manly wok.


No need for anyother cooking appliance.


Well maybe a George Forman Grill,


and a smoothie maker would be nice,



but this Smeg fridge would be golden.



Come on, you owe me. I told you I love you, that costs money my friend

The More You Know

Pikelet's.

They're like scotch pancakes made out of crumpets. They're bloody lovely.

End Transmission

He Said Do What With The Who Now?

I, like many people, love music.

I love my iPod as t lets me go crazy and listen to what ever I want where ever I am. Its not the Ipod that I love, but more the technology that is MP3's, that I can take near enough 4000 songs with me where ever I am that I love.


The band that gets listened to the most, I'm sure is no surprise, is Pearl Jam. They are brilliant.

Witness their awesomeness


Now when Eddie Vedder joined Pearl Jam he had to write lyrics for some songs and sing them as his audition. He wrote the lyrics for Alive, Once and Footsteps. They liked what they heard and hired him.

Once during a "jamming" session they were playing Yellow Ledbetter, which happens to be one of my favourite songs. I have no idea what its about, and have trouble hearing the lyrics. Eddie Vedder has even admitted that he made the lyrics up on the spot and has tried to keep true to them, but has no idea what the song is about.

That would help explain this.


If you are interested in the "correct" lyrics



But really, they are made up nonsense, but thats one amazing song.

Tasty Circuit Boards

Beer adverts are always the best.


But I love this one.







Its the robot at the end

"He's not wrong".

Makes me giggle like an idiot every time.


Not gonna buy the product mind, if I want beer I'll have beer. Not bloody half strenth crap, whats the point.

Start With Two Balls

Last weekend Jecka and I went shopping for some outdoor games. Now the the weather is getting better I thought she might like to get a football, or perhaps something a little more girly like a "Netball".

Anyway we were looking at all of the items, and she said she would like the baseball bat and ball set, as well as a little football. All fine by me. Damned cricket sets were to big for her......but I'll keep looking for those.

As we were still walking around the toy shop Jecka noticed a Hula-Hoop and asked if she could have that as well. She shwed me her "mad skillz" and I couldn't deny that the girl did indeed have "game".

"But if you get that, what will I get myself?"

She looked around for a little bit then pointed ut some juggling balls.

"Really? But I can't even juggle"

Her reply.....

"Learn"


Wow, that was really deep. In one word she incorporated all the other age old mantra's "Journey of a millions miles begins with a single step" "May our studying be enlightening" "everyman should strive to learn something new each day" "Quit yo jibba jabba foo'" etc

So I bought the damned juggling balls.

I could only ever do two at a time before.......but as you can see that's past tense. I have been taking every spare moment I can to try my best to lean to juggle, and am now pretty confident with three.


I am going to buy another pack, so that I will be able to go up to 4.


But then again, no need to go up to four.



Three is still pretty impressive.

*insert correct word here*

I used to take great joy in listening to people waffle on, and used to really enjoy listening to grown people trying to create a sentence and having difficulty with it.


But the more I listen.........the more its starting to get to me.


The main word I can't stand people using is "ironic".

Lets get this out of the way straight away, Alanis Morisette's song Ironic. The only thing thats ironic about it is that the person singing has no idea what irony is. It's not ironic in the slightest. Its Happenstance, alright.


The more I hear people using the word ironic incorrectly the more I die a little.

Actual conversation.

Customer: There was a guy at another bingo place I go to, he's a tuck driver, and he was winning all the time one day.
Craigy: Right...
Customer: You wanna know the ironic thing?
Craigy *smiling* sure...
Cstomer: A week later.....he was dead.

I was incredibly confused by this and just sort of looked blankly at her. Had he died by lots of winning bingo tickets faling on him. Maybe he received many paper cuts from all of his winnings and over the course of the week bled to death.

There is a person at work that kinda looks like Gollum, he's not the brightest person in the world and I love picking on him when he doesn't realise it.


I do this by using big words that he has no idea what they mean. The game I am playing with Sarah and Gollum (without him knowing) is that we have to use a word in conversation with him and see if he questions it. Extra points for not using the correct word and not having it questioned. Extra extra points for, him then using the in-correct word in the wrong way.


Incredibly cruel I'm sure........perhaps its ironic...........then again maybe not.

I will keep an up t dae list of words that I have used and he hasn't understood.


1, Hypothetically

Arrrrrrrrrr Me Hearty's Spoilers Ahead

Went to see Pirates of The Caribean at the weekend.



What can I say about it.........well not much really, apart from its crap.


Sorry if I have ruined this for anyone, but if you hadn't heard its cra by now then I am guessing you have your head buried in the sand, with your eyes closed your fingers in your ears humming Cars by Gary Numan.


It is the exact same film as the other two. Now I loved the first film. I mean I loved it. I think that it was because you had no idea what to expect from it. But after two films now you are expecting the magic from the first film back, and sadly you do not get that at all.

I will no list all things wrong with the film,

1, To many stories. Everyone in this film has a story and a plot line and also a hidden agenda. Its relentless. Everyone is double crossing everyone to the point where you no longer care.

2, Orlando Bloom is blander than a bowl of boiled rice and boiled chicken. Now thats bland eating, but he beats it in the bland battle. He can't act and is basically just there for the ladies, which is kinda pointle when you also have Johnny Depp in the film.

3, Too long. Too many stories for too many characters makes the film 5 times longer than it has to be.

4, The budget. Now this was an expensive film to make ($200,000,000 trivia fans) and you have to ask wher the buggery they spent it. Unlike the first two there ar no massive set pieces. There are boats and CG a'hoy but still where did the money go?

5, No fun. The first one was great because it was fnny and fun and everything you would want from a film. After seeing Curse of the Black Pearl the Thursday Night Film Crew were more than happy and cheery. This was not the case for two of us walking out of the third.




On the upside Geoffrey Rush is brilliant and the last 30 mins are aces.


Thats it mind.



Don't believe me?


The Amazing Sarah's little brother walked out off the film half way through.


What you want more proof. If you don't listen to me then listen to........


The Ninja!








ALSO WHAT EVER YOU DO DON'T STAY To WATCH THE CRAP AT THE END OF THE CREDITS.




ITS NOT WORTH IT.



Actually "Its not worth it" should be the tagline for the film.......and Orlando Bloom's acting career

Don't Do That

Things I have learnt recently that I maybe shouldn't have done.





1, When cooking a stir fry with your other half at no point should you pick up the ready to cook noodles and ask them

"Are you weady to wok?"

2, There is an advert in America about some Gillette product. There is a guy on this advert that looks way to amazed when he spots a bluetooth headset. You should never look completely amazed at people wearing bluetooth headsets.

3, This rule especially applies when you are on the motorway and you pull this overly amazed face at the people in passing cars. It puts them off.

4, When your other half has a bad dream and then becomes restless you should try and limit how much you comfort them. They might elbow you in the head for your efforts!




You live you learn.

Who Let You Out?

Last night was the works outting.


We went to a little Hell hole called Zanzibar. It really is one of the worst places on the face of the planet.


So anyway off we go. its me, The Amazing Sarah, Cobbers, bazz and C. we had already met up, played some pool and had a few drinks. We were in a fine mood to have a fine time.

We had all got tickets that would let us que jump once we got to the club. These tickets ran out at 11:30 and we got there at about 11:20. So we walk up to the front, and are told to join a que.

"No, we have que jumping tickets"

"There are two ques, one for everyone, and one for que jumpers."


Now surely the very notion of a que for que jumpers should make the Universe implode in a state of confusion, but luckily it didn't as it seems there are more dumb people in the world and it doesn't bother them.


So we get in eventually after listening to the guy infront tell his friends how "last week I had 18 pints before I even left house". I'm not going to pass comment on that statement but we are all thinking the same damn thing.


We get in and fun is had by all.


Almost, one person turned up that shouldn't have. J*cough*twat*cough*, threatened me and M and was then kicked out. Not going into great detail about it, cause he's not worth it. One thing that was funny was his threat about me to Cobbers, "Tell him if I don't see him outside, then I know where he lives."

Brill, I know where you live as well matey.





But apart from that it was a good night.


Took Jecka to the cinema today as well. We went to see Spider-man 3.


It's very average.


But thats aside from the point.


Its the noisy gits that were sat near us that annoyed the crap out of me.

The noisy gits that bullied a couple into moving so that they could all sit together and presumably hold hands in a long chain.

I shhushed them twice and they didn't get the hint, so I loudly told them to "Shut up" and they did. I hate noisy people in the cinema, it really bugs me.



So for everyone's benefit here is a list of do's and don'ts for the cinema trip.


Feel free to print this off and pin them to the fore head of the next person that goes against them.


1, Shut the fuck up

2, You are told to switch your phone on to silent. Please do this, or switch it off.

3, When picking your seat you walk up the stairs find a seat and sit down. Once you have gone up the steps you can't go back as it annoys people. Pick a seat and seat down. No changing your mind.

4, Shut the fuck up.

5, Yes you are a popular bunny, but if you're phone goes off (when on silent) you can check it, but unless its important or an emergancy, put it back in your damn pocket right away.

6, Open your crisps, sweets and the like early on. I mean during the adverts, not the trailers because some people like them. Your noise is ruining it for everyone else.

7, If you paid to have the premiuum seats then go straight to the back. If you didn't pay for them, then don't even think about going toward them.

8, If you are likely to need the toilet, then sit near the damn aisle so that you again don't piss off everyone you pass.

9, Shut the fuck up.

10, It doesn't matter if YOU think the emotional scene is funny. Keep to the mood of whats on screen. You laughing when you shouldn't can and will ruin the mood for someone.



Now I have been guilty of a few of these. But I always try and keep my voice down.


Unless its a good comedy, then I laugh my ass off.



Because I have an annoying laugh and I know it. But I don't care.


*thumbs up*

Kids REALLY Do Say The Darndest Things

So I went to Jecka's birthday party the other day. She has a friend, he's a boy.


He's..............special. I think he will really like the Village People when he grows up *wink* if you get my drift.



Anyway, this odd little boy is the proud person that has said The Most Random And Odd Comment Ever to me.


We are sat at a long table. I got to sit with the kids(which suited me fine because it meant I got all of the leftovers and no-one could see me to give me any grief.

He keeps calling me to get my attention, but I was talking to Jecka, I finish talking to her and turn to him.

Odd Little Child: Jessica's dad?
Jecka's dad (Me): Yep?
OLC:: Some people believe in war.
Me:*tryin not to look scared or laugh* err............do you?
OLC *shrugs*




Thus ended our amazing conversation.



This kid is going to be around for a long time, I can tell.

Right Here Right Now

There is something magic in the universe.


It's out there, helping you out every now and then and you don't even know it.


Like me walking down to the local Tesco and literally walking side by side with Trench (whom I hadn't seen in months) and actually getting to see him.

Or like Trench going to the middle of no where to pick up a package ("Whats in the baaaaahhhhhh-x" ((yes everything comes down to a film)) ) and bumping into Dodd, for now bloody reason at all.



Well, I went with Mother Dear to Morrisons store, to get my suits dry cleaned. She had gone ahead to get something to go with the turkey for dinner while I sorted all of the dry cleaning gubbins out.

I later catch up with her and we walk about.

We make our way to the DVD bit.



Hang on is that? My goodness it is.



I bought Monk Season 3 for £5.99.




The one and only copy of it.




As soon as I got home I checked it out on imdb and amazon and its right, the whole damn series, for a tiny sum of money.





That my dear friends in UN-beatable value!


If I had not dug my suits out, I wouldn't have realised I needed to get them dry cleaned, I wouldn't have asked mother to take me to Morrisons and some other geek would be writing a blog about his great purchase.......makes you think huh?





Nah me neither, but I had nothing else to write about.

Observations From NY

Hello, yes yes calm down I have returned.

My you are like an excited little puppy aren't you..........please stop doing that to my leg.


There is so much to tell from my trip to The Americas that I have decided to break it up.

This one will be observations, the next will be tales. Hopefully through reading these you will be able to experience NY from the comfort of your own home.



Observation 1


Crossing the street.

This is the most important, insane and possibly memorable part of the holiday. Normal system in the UK for crossing with lights is, you press the button wait for the green man. Once he has appeared to you, you may safely cross the road. Simple.

In NY this is not the case. You either have a red hand which is a stop sign. Or a white person that is walking which means that you can cross the road. Now all crossings in NY are cross roads. So you would think that all traffic would stop when the man appears to allow you to cross, but this is not the case. The direct traffic is stopped, but any car wishing to turn onto the road you are crossing is allowed to forget about the red light and start moving towards you. The first couple of days were pretty worrying as you start crossing, then a car is coming at you but the light says you can cross.

We finally worked out, this is how you spot a tourist in NY, they flinch at traffic.

General rules of thumb for crossing the road.

1, Is the Red hand up saying don't walk? If yes walk, if no walk.

2, Is the crossing light up? Walk no matter what.

3, Is the stop hand flashing at you? If Yes, walk.

4, Is the car coming towards you moving fast enough to kill you? If no, then walk. If yes run.


If you hesitate, then you have let on that you are a tourist and will be mocked by all drivers and pedestrians within a 10 block area.


You have been warned.



Observation 2,

Americans speak English. English people speak English. But for some very odd reason, no-one was able to understand us.

From the cab driver that thought we were from Israel, to the endless list of people that struggled with me saying "cheers" (which by the way means thanks in a very friendly way).

Perfect example of not being understood. We went to a Burger King

Craigy: I'd like the large Angus burger meal please.
Dopey Cashier: What?
Craigy: The Angus burger meal, large please.
Dopey cashier: *looks at the menu board.* *looks back at me* Which number do you want?
Craigy: Err.....that'll be number 5......large.
Dopey Cashier: What size, large?
Craigy: Yeah go on then.
Dopey Cashier: What?
Craigy: Yes yes YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD A F&*$ING LARGE

That last line might not have happened but you get the idea.


And any time I used the word "Cheers" I got looked at like I just dug up their Grandmother and spat on her. Its a simple word. I use it all the damn time. So America you had better start catching up with me.

Another conversation I had.

Phone in the hotel room rings.

Craigy: Hello?
Diane From The Front Desk: Hello this is Diane from the front desk how are you?
Craigy: I'm fine thanks, and yourself?
DFTFD:..........................Hi........this is Diane from the front desk?


What the hell did she think I said to her? All very odd.

You speak English, so do I........so why don't you understand me?




Observation 3


New Yorkers.

They all have iPods. They use them all the time.

When it was raining we put our hoods up and could no longer hear each other.

New Yorkers can have both ear phones in and still be able to talk and listen to anyone and everyone. Its mental.


Any New Yorker on his/her own for more than 5 minutes will call someone on their "cellular phone". Some of them will use a bluetooth head set, which makes it impossible to tell the crazy people from people on their phone, but there you go.


All crazy people will just talk to everyone.........EVERYONE! all the time.


New Yorkers are very, incredibly, stupidly, friendly.




Observation 4

When in UK and you get hungry you have to go into a pub, a restaurant, fast food place etc etc. But at night when all these places are closed you have the kebab vans turn up.

Oddly enough, in NY you have "meat carts" out during the day, but then go away at night.

In the UK you should just plain avoid kebab vans at all costs as you will most likely die after a few bites.

NY, I only had a Hot Dog, it was lovely beyond belief. All the other food smelled brilliant and make me hungry........ier just being near them.


There are lots of restaurants about but they are expensive and crappy, so just fill up on spicy meat and eat your food as you walk around.



Observation 5


As the col has pointed out:

Col. Orange said...

We're thinking of introducing Pubs to Manhattan.

We'll have to hand-rear them at first, then teach them how to hunt, survive in the wild, how to use the loony traffic light system to their advantage - but eventually, I could see them thriving.

Especially if they turn carnivorous and eat all the Restaurants.

You have Bar/restaurants, and bar/grills but where the hell where the bars?

I mean if you just wanted to sit and have a few beers you could go into a restaurant, but it was bloody expensive. £5 for a Bud? And it wasn't even a pint.


Really don't get me started on TGI Fridays.


I just wanted a normal bar.......a pub even that I could sit in and chill out. Have some beers play some pool and generally make merriment.



Observation 6


Everything is f*%£ing HUGE!



Observation 7


People will honk their car horns for any reason at all.

"There's a cloud *honk*, I'm in a car *honk*, I have a nose *honk*, I like salsa *honk*"

It must be a way of communicating with other drivers which I don't understand.


Observation 8



People in Brooklyn really do say "fuhgeddabowdid"



Observation 9



Its really funny when you hear that.




Observation 10



People really do cheer and shout when they go to the cinema. Its crazy, and kinda annoying. Not everyone does it, but still..........why do it?





That'll do for now kids.



But stay tuned as I will return with more Tales.......From.......New YORK!


Want some pictures? Well I will get round to putting them all up on the net eventually, but till then.......


Here you go,






Trench at The Big Apple.......Get it?







The Col.......and his crazy sleep deprived eyes!








A tall glass of Bud, is that not what everyone wants when they go to another country?




Really I'm asking you.

I Have Arrived

Hello you, from New York.

Well I lasted one single day before needing to get on the web.

Currently say in a Burger King on the net, from where I am I can actually see the Empire State building. FROM WHERE I AM!


How mental is that?


I have nothing more to add, I'll post again if poss.


Have fun folks, cause I'm having a ball!

I'm going out now.........

In just over a week I will be jetting off and will be getting drunk in new surroundings.

The Thursday Night Club is going on a world tour........well we are shipping out to New York. This destination has been the basis for many comedy e-mail subjects let me tell you................but I won't because, well they weren't that good.

Anyway, I have traded in some of my hard earned £'s for $'s. It has been pointed out to me that only American people can say "bucks". I wasn't to sure till I heard someone say "bucks" in their English accent and I have to agree it sounds horrible.

American money is odd. I thought all notes were green, but the tens are orange. Or maybe I have fake money?


The things we will get up to?

Empire States Building

Central Park

Drinking

A Film Museum

Drinking

General Tom Foolery

And Drinking.


Thats my plan anyway. No idea what the others want to do.




Some slight issues with the trip.

I am scared crapless about flying and general small spaces. So the idea of sitting on a plane for 7 odd hours isn't exactly what I would call a good time. Hopefully I will be sat no where near the other lads so they won't see me turn into a big girly mess on the plane.

I have bought a new Henry Rollins spoken word mp3 from iTunes specifically for the plane. Plus I am planning on sleeping a lot of the journey.

The lift to the top of the Empire States Builing doesn't sound like a barrel of laughs either, but you have to do it, cause you are in New York.


I don't wanna be like a sad person from work that went to Egypt and DIDN'T go to the Pyramids.



I will try my damndest to post a blog when I am in New York though. It won't be the first international post, *tips hat to Kel Kel* but it will be a first for me.


There will hopefully be more posts before I leave you and get discovered.


But till then keep it real.


Oh and this is the accent of people I will be surrounded by.



Enjoy.......

The Guiltening

I, amongst others, had to do a 360 appraisal for a manager at work. This basically means I clicked boxes that meant poor, good, ok, excellent, whatever, until I was finished. At the end of the sections you had the oppurtunity to add comments. Now I was thinking "Okey Dokey, cause you know the ticking doesn't give much of a clue so I guess you have to kinda explain yourself a little bit."

But then I noticed a little bit of text there. It basically said, "try not to type like you speak". I was thinking that this was to avoid any odd mistakes being made, also who ever did the persons review based on the comments would know who said what etc.

I didn't know that the manager I was doing this for was going to read the bloody comments I made.

Yes she read them and she wasn't very happy about anything that had been said about her.

She first thought that all comments were made by her boss and not by anyone else. I asked how, "Its the way its written.....you can tell" Phew missed that one.......oh wait whats she doing? Crap she is calling him.

He was honest and told her exactly what he put.

Now, she is left with the other comments made about her. They have all been written in the same style/manner and only a few made by her boss.........that leads her to me. She wasn't happy about the comments I made at all, but without directing a single comment at me said how she felt that "someone in this club is after me and wants me to look bad in front of all my bosses".

Right thats only partly true. I mean I didn't wanna make her look bad in front of anyone, I just wanted to show what I thought about her. I was given this oppurtunity as were 5 other people. We pointed out her weakness' and her strenghs, is it our fault that there are more weakness then, well anything. So it wasn't deliberate "make her look bad" it just kinda worked out like that.

What doesn't help matters is that people didn't wanna type comments so they either didn't make any.......or they asked me how to re-word all their stuff so they wouldn't be worked out. Which as you can imagine makes all comments look like they were made by me.

If I cared I would be a good person. But I don't care, this may make me a nasty bastard but again......I don't care.

*grin*

Oh Ricky You're So Fine

Comic Relief is coming up soon.

Yes the day we remember David Brent being made redundant by raising money for good causes is back.


Here is a video to remind you how special it is.

Welcome to Lynch-ville

Went out drinking with the Col and Trench on Friday. Not my first choice of companions but you gotta deal with what you got.

Anywho, we had plenty to drink, and I walked home.


Now all of this is all above board and nothing out of the ordinary at all.


Until......


I am walking down the road and notice a truck. Just the truck, no trailer. Its kinda parked up. On the opposite side of the road facing me is a car.

They are both just stopped there. As I get closer to the truck it slowly starts to move along. Almost as if its trying to make a get away.

The car on the other side, I notice, has its door open.......there is no-one inside it.


I am very confused. "Has there been an accident? Where is the driver to that car?" These are just some of the questions running through my drunken mind as I come round to the now stationary truck. I look up at the driver, he is on his mobile phone and points to the otherside of the road.


I look over and see a guy sprawled out on the pavement.



Ok, now I am worried, it really looks like there has been an accident.


I go over to the guy.

"Dude you ok?"

He just kinda mumbles and gargles at me. There is vomit next to him and he is writhing about the bloody place.

What am I meant to do? I look up at the trucker and mouth "What the fuck should I do?"

He just waves at me, and points at his phone. Oh alright, then mate you're in charge cause you're on the phone........hang on a second.


This guy is lying here, the car with the door open is a good thirty foot away. So did someone hit him stop the car and leg it? Is there some mad driver running wild in the streets?

Before I can even think for one second a police car comes flying up. Two coppers (proper British me) get out. One walks over to the car the other walks over to me.

Woman Copper: "Whats happened then? Did you see anything?"

Craigy "Err, not at all. I just turned up. I've tried talking to him but got nothing."

The copper then starts trying to talk to the guy, asking him his name, and he just kinda whimpers and moans a lot. This whole time he has his eyes closed.



The trucker comes over quite calmly. "Worked this out yet then?"

Sorry mate but no I haven't. Hang on......is this just a stunt? Is this just some eleborate riddle that I am meant to work out.

The copper politely points out that she hasn't worked it out yet, and carries on trying to get some kind of information from the weirdo on the floor.

She looks up at us, "I can't smell any alcohol on him, I don't think he's drunk."


Then why in Gods name is he 30ft from his car and thrown up?


The other copper comes over.

Woman copper: I can't smell alcohol. I don't think he's drunk.

Bloke copper: No he wouldn't be.

Hold the phone, stop the press. We have a clue. Somthing significant this way comes. We all stand there with baited breath desperate for this next nugget of information.

Bloke copper: There's a syringe in the front seat.

At this point, they all started laughing. No I mean proper laughing, like the end of Police Squad when they have completed the case laugh and freeze. Thats what they did here. I really did expect them to freeze and I would have run away, instead they stopped laughing as quickly and as in time as they started.

Woman copper to me: If you didn't see anything you can go home.

Craigy: Err fair play then.


And off I ran.



I could only think then, that this guy is driving alog and shooting up. He feels a little woozy, pulls over to throw up. but then the drugs kick in and he thinks he's a mango and can't get up or talk to anyone that comes up to him.


Bit that makes me smile the most is imagining his face when he wakes up in prison.

"Whoah dude, thats totally heavy shit.....where am I?.........ah bugger"

Possibly The Worst

Today at work it was free bingo.

Yes I work in a bingo hall keep up.

Anyway this means that the biggest scum bags from around the place swarm in to get free books with the chance of some free money.


One such group of scum was drinking alcohol. This is rarely heard of. They normally ask for jugs of water because they can't afford beer and the like.

So anywho, this group was hammered and making loads of noise. I told them twice to shut up, and eventually M told the main woman (who was off her fucking face) that she couldn't drink anymore.

The following is EXACTLY what was said between her and myself. Remember she was hammered.

Hammered Intoxicated Woman (AKA HIM *insert childish giggle*) So you are tellling me I can't drink anymore?

Craigy: Thats right.

HIM: Why?

C: Because you have had enough, and we have a legal obligation to tell you when to stop and stop supplying alcohol to you.

HIM: And you think I'm drunk?

C: I think you've had more than you can handle yes.

HIM: Look into my eyes *points to hammered eyes* I'm not drunk.

C: Seriously you have had to much.

HIM: I swear on my dead sons grave that I'm not drunk.

C: Err......thats nice, but I think you have and please don't swear on anything ever again. Really.

HIM: What you gonna do if I drink from the beer?

C: Tell you to leave.

HIM: What if I take the beer with me?

C: I'm not going to let you.

HIM: *pointing @ a weasel faced arse of a man* thats my partner.

C: Good for you.

HIM: I'm pregnant with his child, and you're not letting me celebrate.

C: Errr......well if you're pregnant then YOU shouldn't be drinking at all, and now on a moral ground I'm telling you no more drinking..........and why not, I'm going to ask you to put out that ciggarette.



I eventually got them to leave, but only by giving them a full refund on the jug of beer that they were all gulping down.


Leaving comment from the mum of the woman I was talking to?



"Its ok, I'm a first aider, I'll look after her if anything happens"


What the hell is that meant to mean?

What? When? Why? Where? Who?

Its nothing new, I love Jecka.

She makes me laugh and I find her golden beyond belief.

She has started becoming very aware of the world around her and has been asking questions about whats going on.......but not like a normal 6 yr old. But then you'd expect that from her.

Questions like

"Dad whats a company?"

How the hell do you start with that one?

"Dad, on my barbies yeah, on the box next to her name it has a T and a M. Whats that for?"

The Trade mark? Bloody hell girl leave it alone for a while. Nothing for you to worry about for ages yet.


I was watching some Dr Who with her the other day. The one with the cybermen.

Quick run down for anyone that hasn't seen it.

Everyone has earpods, which are like bluetooth stuff, and with these everyone has all the news, lottery numbers and even a daily joke uploaded right into their head. However, a bad guy uses these to get people to come to his warehouses and get "upgraded" into cybermen. Basically your brain and other organs are removed and put into a robot.


Anyway,

"Daa-ad?"

"Yes Jecka."

"So, if kids had those earpods in......would you have little cybermen walking around?"

"Err, no I don't think so"

"How come?"

"Well when the people go into the warehouse they have their brain pulled out with an ice-cream scoop and put into a cyberman. Can you imagine a little cyberman walking around? You could just put your hand on his head and keep him away, push him over even!"


She couldn't stop laughing at the thought of the lobotomy with an ice-cream scoop.

When re-telling the story to her mum she again couldn't stop laughing.



I was asked (when I told this story at work) if I could imagine my life without Jecka.


To be honest, I think if I tried hard enough I could.



I just plain don't want to.


She's to much fun.

"I've got a job for you......"

I hate hearing those words. As soon as your boss, mum, other half even if you're friend says those words run away.

"I've got a job for you" can never lead to good things.

My boss turned to me last night and reminded me of a horrible job I had to do ages ago. Without going into the boring details it makes no sense, so try to keep up and keep awake.

I had to go through an entire day and fill out an excel sheet showing what types of games were played at what time, what the average amiunt of players for these games were in each time frame and how much money we made. I could group together about 3-4 blocks (a block is a pound, so whatever game mix we play it'll add up to a pound ie, 2 X 40p + 1 X 20p or 60p + 40p thats a block, the more you know) So I had to do that for an entire day. It took me about 4 hours. Still with us? good

My boss reminds me of this and I tell him how crap it was.....

"So you wouldn't be to happy about doing it again then?"

Not really

"So you'd be really annoyed if you had to do the whole week?"

Ah crap. When do you need it done by?

"Tomorrow"


No considering that it took me 4 hours to do one day I wasn't best pleased that I had one day to get an entire week done. I got to work this morning at about 9:00. I did one hours work on it, then had to do a collection (not gonna go into that one don't worry) that took about 2 hours then I went straight back to the computer and carried on working on this sheet.

So I guess the main question is.

How long did all this messng about take?


Well, I'll tell you. 8 hours. 8 bloody hours straight, I had no break no lunch break I stopped once to go to the toilet and to get a coffee. It was horrible.


The main thing that annoyed me was I had to fill in one section dubbed "average players" and then by the magic that is excel some figures would appear in the column next to it. Oddly though this column was "Sum of Average players" I moved the mouse over both and the one I wrote in said, "Equals average players" the other one said "Equals the sum of THE average players". So I would type in one and a completely different figure would appear next to it for no bloody reason at all. This confused and angered me.




Also I get told off for having a very messy desk.

"A cluttered desk means a cluttered mind" My manager will say.


My desk is like my mind, lots going on all at once, and I kinda know where things are.......as long as I've not been drinking more than usual.


Anyway behold pictures of my desk at the end of my 8 hour regn on the computer.





thats my desk, yesterdays bap. Tool box and lots of paper that I needed to fill out a f&^*ing excel spreadsheet.





The computer I worked at, see I even managed to get my mess to spread to this!




The two combined.


I was so tired when I got home, all I wanted was a 1950's wife waiting for me with a Martini.


Gotta have something to get me through the day.