Well, The Kaiser Chiefs Did Predict It

The country has gone mad. It's official.

What started as a mindless riot against the police for shooting someone has now become a nationwide looting spree.

Nothing more and nothing less.

I am very lucky to not only live far away from all of this crap, but also to work far enough away from all of the crap.

That is, until this Saturday.

On the 13th August the EDL will be marching through Wellington (10mins away from my work). The EDL are easily spotted on TV and other media. They're the ones that look really un-evolved. Knuckles dragging on the floor and a forehead that sticks out more than their beer bellies. Long and short, they're idiots.

The EDL are against England falling under Sharia Law. They don't like Muslims and feel that all Muslims should "go home". Unless they were born in the UK, in which case they are required to go somewhere foreign where the EDL don't have to see them. Somewhere that isn't En-gur-land.

They don't like extremists. I have to agree with them on that one. Extremists scare me. Anyone that is *that* fanatical about religion or massively bigoted points of view are normally mental in more than one way. But because the EDL always gather in their thousands and chant, and fight and voice their opinions in loud swearing ill-educated ways I would argue that they are also extremists. Racist Extremists and so they fall into the "They scare me because they are fucking nutters" category.

I am a big fan of freedom of speech which means everyone is entitled to voice their opinion. But in the case of the EDL and other extremists, I think they should keep quiet more often than say....breathing.

But it got me thinking. What am I really opposed to? What group could I start that has little to no basis in reality, but that I could get people behind. Get lots of people fired up and ready to fight about it. Here are my ideas.

Extreme Political Correctness.

The EPS would take political correctness to scary new places. I like political correctness. The manners that it has forced upon morons is great. "Oh you can't say such and such a word anymore." Normally this is due to an offensive word being said and someone showing disdain for it. If a word offends someone, then you *shouldn't* be saying words like that. It's just good manners if nothing else.

We would take this a step too far of course. Or a step too far enough depending on how you look at it. We wouldn't allow people to refer to black people as black. Because black could be offensive to the shade black, as it discriminates against it rather than keep it in with other tints, tones and colours.

United Against Michael Bay

We would never: set fire to anything, blow anything up, move in slow motion or ever use a segway and go round and round and round and round to do that spinning shot thing that makes me want to vomit. We would stand outside cinemas showing Transformers 3 and hand out Wes Anderson DVDs for people to watch instead.

To be fair, people would get to see much better films.

Church Of Pearl Jam

We would gather and listen to Pearl Jam. Discuss gig experiences. We would also go around and fight Bush and Creed fans in a Jets Vs Sharks style gang fight.

Fingernail Defence League.

I have a major issue with fingernails. I hate them. If my finger nails get too long (about 3-5mm of white showing) then they itch and I need to cut them. I have had to go out and buy nail cutters whilst on holiday because they have grown too long and I can't cope.

This might make me look a bit mental. Imagine you had longish nails. Imagine an old wooden drawer. Imagine catching your nail on the base of the drawer as you pick something up. That feeling makes me want to rip my face off. Like in face off. It has the same effect on me as nails on a chalk board has on people. As it happens nails on a chalk board don't really bother me. The thought of catching a nail and it ripping off drives me insane.

We would meet up and set fire to manicure shops. The FDL have one very focused task. Destroy fingernails.

Meat Eaters Against Twats

Red meat is really bad for you. Red Meat comes from cows. All cows eat is grass. Ergo being a vegetarian is bad.

Just follow this simple mathematical equation.

Human + Solely Vegetarian Diet = Twatish Human.

We should rally around and burn down tofu plantations. Beat to death farmers that don't breed animals for food.

It almost seems daft to be beating up vegetarians as they are too weak to fight back. But screw it, this is meant to be an idiotic group so we *will* start attacking the fussy eating bastards.

Beat them to death.

Then eat them.